06 June 2012 @ 10:19 pm
Chats  
My girlfriend and two mutual friends of ours had an absolutely amazing day/night together. We ended up getting home a lot later than planned and in fact ended up missing both (all three?) possible trains in our ecstatic and time-ignorant conversations, which culminated in Kat (girlfriend) and I getting a ride home from our friends' mother when she was headed off to her nightshift job.

It started off as almost a rant on one of their parts about a dissolving friendship with a roommate who was moving out, someone who clearly could use help but a lot of animosity had been built towards them because this person takes and is rude, etc, and it brought up a lot of conversation about the nature of relationships and having to hit rock bottom to learn to pull yourself back up and fight for yourself. From there it just spiraled up and out into a free-for-all about religion, spirituality, growth, personal meanings of symbols and ideas and of taking bits and pieces of everything in life to assemble something deeper for yourself.

Basically everything I half-assedly will do in my head was happening out loud with three people I feel very comfortable with, and it felt like all of us were very...connected and on the top of our games tonight. One of our friends just recently went off-meds and she seemed so alive earlier (and lately, but it especially showed today) it was truly beautiful. I loved sitting back and listening to everyone's personal stories just as much as adding my own (perhaps more, since that's the sort of person that I am; a listener).

It's renewed my interest in spirituality and self-expression, something which I actually tend to actively tamp down in myself because I've always been taught that to exist in society as a functioning cog in the clockwork of it all, you just have to give up some parts of expression. For my job I need to be extremely neutral, to the point of expressing anything "fruity" potentially making me seem like "one of those hippies" (I'm a massage therapist, for anyone not in the know) and it's been easy, since I'm naturally a withdrawn sort of person most of the time, for that to bleed over. It's hard for me to go out in public in certain styles of dress and not feel like an idiot or like I'm being judged. I almost always want to impress people and seem like someone to be respected and it's so hard for me to balance that with self-realisation, expression, and respect.

In Daoism, the idea of doing what YOU want and what comes naturally to YOU is what is most important, and in Confucianism on the surface it's completely the opposite. You only exist in relation to others, and interpersonal formalities are the foundations of its ideals. I feel like I'm constantly torn between these two extremes and both make sense to me. Humans exist in society and society needs certain rules for interaction, but everyone (especially in America) is really taught to never just be "one of the crowd". We're all taught that we need to be leaders to be respected, not followers, and that we need to pursue the "American dream" of making as much money as possible.

But in truth, if everyone was a leader, nothing would get done. Without garbagemen, without people pouring your coffee, life would be a lot different. If everyone had a lot of money, the worth of it would just deflate and no one would have any money. You need "followers", you NEED not-leaders in society and I've... I don't feel ashamed to be one of them. I've struggled with that idea for a really long time, in a time and place that shames those who are willing to "settle", but I've been coming to terms with it and I truly believe that it's just as noble to recognise your use in serving others as well as serving yourself. It's a mixture of the two that's necessary for society to function, for people to be happy and fulfilled.

And I'm going to sign off now and attempt to go to bed and sleep before journeying off to the Cape tomorrow; I simply feel bad that I have ~all these thoughts~ lately and I haven't actually written anything down here. Sorry if it's incoherent, awesome if you get something from it, and I love all of you. ♥
 
 
Current Mood: ecstatic