11 June 2012 @ 08:20 am
I'm usually not one for dissecting or dwelling over dreams, especially since they seem to dissipate particularly quickly for me lately. Yesterday though, I had a dream about Tori/that cousin I've occasionally mentioned having a particularly nasty falling out with, and it wasn't...very pleasant? There wasn't much fighting in the dream (in fact I believe I was giving her a ride somewhere and she was even nice enough to sit in the back to make it less awkward) but after waking up, it just brought it all back to me so that made it unpleasant. (I wonder if this is my dreams and waking moments combining together to tell me that no matter how much getting back together with old traitorous friends may seem emotionally in the moment, that common sense dictates I just shouldn't risk it? Or the other way around? Hmm. Recently I had time to spend with Tori and another mutual, past friend, but said past friend has actually apparently matured more than Tori has. Tori's too quick and easy with lying for me to trust her, much as I was drawn to her when we were younger. I just don't think I could ever really feel at ease with her knowing me the way she used to. =|

But the friend, she's gotten better, waaaay better and I'm honestly happy for her. I actually hoped - since the time hanging out went so well and since they'd mentioned talking about me and both had reached out to me previously - that my attempts in kind would be well-responded to. But they've yet to contact me since then and it's been over a month. Clearly whatever we had before is well and truly something of the past and to be ignored, even if not actually 'dead'? I can't imagine what I would be safe getting out of a relationship with those two, after all. I'm forever a third (or fifth) wheel, useful only for steering everyone else off course or to be leaned on for extra support but not really needed. I've always felt disposable with them and at the end of junior/senior years, it finally happened and it's just not...going to work out again, I think.

At least now I have a couple new friends who don't seem quite so shimmery with deceipt, and I've also grown enough to be able to just...take current friendships as they are. If they use information they learn about me against me, who cares? We're not in high school anymore, anyone they tell I probably won't even SEE again. It's so easy to ignore slights now and I'm really...enjoying being out of high school despite missing the learning experience and some teachers (from both high school and college). I've moved beyond slut-shaming and I haven't been shy about my sexuality since I was like, 13/14, so there's really no weapons to be had against me. I'm too open now. xD And that's sort of freeing to realise.
Current Mood: hopeful
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